Realities of Motherhood
“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. Shame is the most powerful master emotion. It’s the feeling that we’re not good enough.” — Brené Brown
6 Things NOBODY Told Me About After Having a Baby
It seemed like everyone I saw on social media, in person, or in the movies was thrilled to have a baby and full of bliss. After having my baby, I didn’t feel this way and felt like there was a lot that wasn’t talked about. I felt ‘sooooo the opposite of normal.’ There is an ongoing list of things that don’t get talked about after giving birth, whether it’s vaginally, cesarean, planned, or emergency. In a quest to feel an ounce of normal, I came across many articles and websites discussing postpartum depression, but felt myself needing more. I quickly realized after groggy online searches NOBODY is talking about anything postpartum that felt real. I remember feeling extremely validated by the Frida Postpartum Kit Ad. (This ad was banned during the Oscars for allegedly being too graphic.) I had a few close loved ones that I shared bits and pieces with, but felt way too much shame and exhaustion to cover all the details. Everything else felt like those period commercials with the blue dye being poured on menstrual pads instead of actual blood. Shame kept me from sharing due to worrying I’d be seen as an unfit mother. Despite all this, I kept marching on going through the motions and tasks to better bond and attach with my baby.
The list is kept short and is not in any specific order, otherwise, this list might go on til the end of time. There are many things that go untalked about, but these are the specifics I experienced.
(Also, I’m writing this quickly and quietly as my daughter sleeps, in hopes that my typing doesn’t wake her. Shout out to all the moms trying to get shit done during nap time!)
(Also, also, I’m writing this and recognizing more and more the difficulty of writing about these emotions and experiences. )
1. Shame:
I’m starting with shame. I believe shame covers many things that are not talked about after having baby. Shame is the reason we don’t talk about it, don’t seek help, don’t know how to get help, and bottle up every last drop to feel like we are normal. We judge ourselves for not feeling, thinking, or doing differently. There is a lot of advice thrown at you and it is hard to know what is right for you and your baby. I had shame and guilt as I felt that I had I left behind my career, hobbies, and baby-less friends.
“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. Shame is the most powerful master emotion. It’s the feeling that we’re not good enough.” — Brené Brown
2. Psychosis, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Ideation, Anxiety and Dreams:
It isn’t spoken about that some women experience hallucinations, delusions, vivid dreams, anxiety, depression, anger and even suicidal ideation. Some women have psychosis or altered realities at times due to sleep deprivation, hormones, situations, and mental health history. Many others have depression or anxiety that gets labeled as “baby blues.” This is terrifying and can lead to scarier situations if left unchecked or untreated.
We are all told about sleep deprivation and how it gets better when the baby starts sleeping. When does the baby start sleeping, again? If you are able to get some sleep or you have a baby that sleeps well you might experience vivid dreams. I remember often waking to tell my husband to be careful the baby was in the bed with us. He was then left frantically searching for the baby in our bed. The baby was actually in the crib. She was co-sleeping with us several weeks before. I had so much anxiety about cosleeping that the baby might die that I would stay up to make sure she was okay. This further led to sleep deprivation. I remember asking my husband if our baby was alive. I recall being uncertain if my daughter was alive or dead, despite my husband reassuring me that she was in fact alive. I felt as though I was caring for a memory of her. I realized some of what I was experiencing was absolutely not reality. The look I got in return made me aware that this could be postpartum psychosis. Some don’t have the awareness that their reality is altered.
3. Changes directly after birth, and “6 weeks/3months/forever”:
Oh, the changes! Identity, Physical, Emotional, and Mental Changes. I think part of the reason changes don’t get talked about is that they so unique for each person. There are hushed conversations and other conversations that are starting to rise up. You see it in social media with photographers beginning to capture the female body postpartum. It is all at once amazing and horrifically devastating. You know your body is destined for great things ahead during pregnancy and feel hopeful of what may come. Generally, you whole body changes and a few specifics that I encountered were my breasts, abdomen, and hair loss.
Whether you planned your whole life, accidentally, whole-heartedly, with purpose and intentionality to became a mother or somewhere in between, you are not alone in the ongoing changes.
Six to seven hours after my c-section, my doctor encouraged me to get up and walk around. I thought “WTF??!!! I just got out of surgery and can’t even feel my legs. How am I supposed to walk?” AND then I got up… My doctor also wanted me to have a bowel movement. I tried and cried with all my might. I cried sitting down and standing up. NOTHING was coming. How was I supposed to use my abdominal muscles to poop?!!! Which due to medications, didn’t occur for several days anyway. The first POOP! Why doesn’t anyone tell you about the first F***ing POOP? A couple of days after surgery, my whole body swelled up like a balloon due to fluid retention from the IVs and being on my back for several hours. My breasts became engorged, excruciating, chapped and bloody, as my body was preparing the liquid gold for my baby.
These changes lead me to feel a loss of identity. I felt like an alien (not my baby) had taken over my body, brain, and emotions. I was left with a foggy memory of who I used to look and feel like. I was not my own person anymore, despite this planned and intentional, and ever so wanted beautifully, adorable baby. I was grieving the loss of myself. Six weeks later, post alleged “baby blues,” I looked in the mirror and thought, “Who have I become?” Mourning the “past Whitney” that vowed never to have children and put my career first. This “Whitney” will never be the same and a quote from an old professor springs to mind, “If nothing changes, nothing changes. If one thing changes, everything changes.” -Michael Loos
Your past and present selves are not mutually exclusive, meaning they can happen and exist at the same time.
4. Trauma:
Trauma is defined as a deeply disturbing or distressing experience. Pregnancy and having a baby can be traumatic. Trauma can happen in many ways. It can happen to your body as a result of delivering a baby, past traumatic experiences may pop up as this time is a new developmental milestone for you, old attachment wounds, or trauma to your identity.
After 3 months of feeling amazed, overwhelmed and distraught I decided to do what I know best as a therapist, seek help. Many women are afraid to seek help, don’t know how, or don’t have access to help.
5. Loneliness:
Depending on your situation, you might have an army of a support team or you might have nobody except the delivery team at the hospital. The immense loneliness that settles in can be devastating. I felt this loneliness in that I was the only one who is going through this. I had difficulty with shame and expressing experiences, fatigue in being with my baby all day and night, desperation for adult contact, glimpses of who I was before pregnancy, and longing for the friendships I had pre-baby. My husband went back to work two weeks after our baby came. Despite having my family, friends, and husband, I felt so alone. Whatever the experience it can be extremely lonely and confusing; because, time is counted in diapers, feedings, and sleep schedule rotations.
6. Attachment, Bonding, and Love:
“What a beautiful time!? Motherhood is the best. It’s all worth it. Breastfeeding is such a bonding experience. When you look into your baby’s eyes and you melt.” are all common phrases you hear before and after baby. People make it seem like bonding and attachment are immediate. What isn’t shared is that it can take time and more than just after leaving the hospital to bond with baby and vice versa. Motherhood can feel emotionless and taxing. If you feel you are not bonding with baby or struggle with attachment this could mean something more and professional help may be needed. This does not mean anything is wrong with you or baby. Love, bonding, hormones, attachment and the whole “parenthood thing” are new to you, even if this isn’t your first child. So allow yourself to be a novice. This experience is truly a process.
If you are anywhere in the pregnancy or postpartum process and experiencing any of these or other things you aren’t sure about, contact your doctor, therapist, friend, or family. It is okay to not be okay and to need help. It is important to have someone you can reach out to. It IS one of the hardest things you may ever do.